Toxictretr
07-14-2003, 12:13
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of Synthetic oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $250.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for truck lift.
5) Find lift under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for box end for drain plug.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
12) Get out from under Truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; reach under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Back out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip bike ride because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath truck, spill it on the floor. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn
mower gas.
28) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
29) Reach under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on belly pan.
30) Bang head on nerf bars in reaction to step (28).
31) Begin cussing fit.
32) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
33) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August(2002).
34) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
35) Lower truck from lift.
36) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
37) Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
38) Test drive truck.
Money spent:
Parts $230.00
Kitty Litter $20.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $310.00
But you know the job was done right!
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of Synthetic oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $250.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for truck lift.
5) Find lift under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for box end for drain plug.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
12) Get out from under Truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; reach under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Back out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip bike ride because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath truck, spill it on the floor. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn
mower gas.
28) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
29) Reach under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on belly pan.
30) Bang head on nerf bars in reaction to step (28).
31) Begin cussing fit.
32) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
33) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August(2002).
34) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
35) Lower truck from lift.
36) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
37) Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
38) Test drive truck.
Money spent:
Parts $230.00
Kitty Litter $20.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $310.00
But you know the job was done right!